Before we go any further, I need to make it uncomfortably clear that NONE of the fellatio tips I’m sharing with you are gleaned from any personal experience with having penises in my mouth. These observations are STRICTLY the result of having women stick my penis in their mouths and sometimes sharing their “tricks of the trade” with me during the tenderly playful “afterglow” phase. In a world that honors respectfulness, this sort of thing shouldn’t need explaining, but our world is rapidly filling up with Smart Alecs and know-it-alls who think I won’t hunt them down and bop them in the nose for making a few off-color remarks about my sexual orientation. I’m as heterosexual as a T-bone steak, and the blind red rage with which I react toward any aspersions cast upon my well-adjusted maleness should, by itself, stand as proof that I am not, under any circumstances, nor any reasonable definition of the term, a homosexual.

You want to keep your man, don’t you? Keeping a man is a woman’s fundamental project in life. No self-respecting lady wants to grow old alone, a crabby, unwanted spinster cursing the fact that love and beauty have passed over her like the Angel of Death sailing straight over a blood-splattered doorway.

In today’s fast-paced workaday world, with women expected to perform increasingly extreme sexual acts merely to keep their man from wandering, it becomes difficult to master the latest methods of pleasing your man even while frantically employing every hole that God gave you.

Above all else, you don’t want to be alone, and that’s where your mouth can help. The mouth that God gave you was never solely intended for whistling Dixie and nibbling on Lean Cuisine microwave dinners. That mouth is a wet, warm, wondrously supple instrument designed to bring you and your man closer together under the giant floppy umbrella of intimacy.

Intimacy means sharing, and sharing means caring, and caring means sex, and sex means really good blowjobs on demand. And nothing—not a tight vagina, not a pretty face, not a multi-million-dollar trust fund, and definitely not “conversational skills” or a “good personality”—will keep your man better than really good blowjobs on demand. With his dick in your mouth, it’s not like he’s going anywhere.

If you master the attitudes and techniques I’m about to share, you can sleep soundly at night without worrying whether he’s out getting a “beej” from some slut he met on the public transit system. I must warn you that the learning curve will not be easy. There will be casualties, just as there always are in wartime. But, just as in war, there will be glory—great, noble glory. Your mouth will become his Disneyland—the happiest place on Earth—and his penis would be a fool to vacation anywhere else.

1. Respect Your Man—Put it in Your Mouth
Of all the known methods which human beings use to express love and respect for one another, there exists no better way to show your man you care about him than to put his penis in your mouth. When you get down on your knees and fill your piehole with his manliness, you are saying, “I honor you. I am taking a very special part of your body into my mouth. I am taking your body into my body in a way that is far more intimate and deliberate than the base, rote ministrations of barnyard sexual intercourse. Even mosquitoes, those nasty jungle pests, routinely indulge in sexual intercourse, but a mosquito has not yet been born which can perform fellatio. And even chimpanzees will occasionally lick another chimp’s monkey vagina, but only Homo sapiens is known to perform fellatio. Because fellatio, even though it sounds like the name of a two-bit Italian opera clown, is a gift only shared among the highest known vertebrates. This is more than a physical act—it is a spiritual celebration. It’s a celebration of the body—your body, exemplified in your penis.” Believe it or not, you are actually saying all of this when you put his penis in your mouth, but he probably can’t hear you because, you know, you have his penis in your mouth.

2. Don’t Be so Hung-Up on “Cleanliness”
It’s hard to believe that in this so-called “enlightened” day and age, there exists a certain type of female throwback who finds the noble act of lovingly slurping her man’s sexual organ to be “dirty” or “disgusting.” Granted, there are some men who have hygiene problems and have yet to discover the glories of gel-based body soap, but they are a tiny minority. You need to remember that if you are rejecting the taste or stench of a man’s private region, you are rejecting his core, his soul, his vaporous essence. Teach yourself to love, embrace, and ultimately savor his various tastes and smells. It must also be noted that every sexual act is a potentially biohazardous disaster. Sucking a man’s penis, combined with the de rigueur act of ingesting his semen, is “risky business” in this day and age of HIV, crab lice, and genital leprosy. So put your mind at ease—ask your man whether he has any STDs, and trust his answer unquestioningly.

3. Do Not Blow on It
It’s not a flute—it’s a dick. Etymologists are unsure why it’s called a “blowjob” when it’s actually a “suckjob,” but they all agree that blowing on his penis makes you seem a wee bit retarded. Suck, don’t blow. He’s not a blow-up doll, he’s a man with feelings, and if you try blowing air into his urethra, you put him at danger of embolisms, “the bends,” and other serious medical consequences. What’s worse, your sloppy technique will put you at risk of losing him to a more skilled fellatrix.

4. Don’t Bite it, Either
It’s not a kielbasa—it’s a dick. You’re not a lady beaver lazily gnawing on a wood stump—you’re a female human being offering oral homage to his Scepter of Life. It is part of your womanly duty to master the technique of wrapping your lips over your choppers to protect his beautiful sausage skin from any nicks, cuts, or scrapes that your careless teeth might inflict.

5. Pout
How warm, confident, and complete you feel with it in your mouth. It is an adult woman’s pacifier. And how sad it makes you when your hungry maw lacks its comforting girth. How empty and alone your mouth feels without his penis inside. It is nearly impossible to overstress the importance of hovering near his penis, looking up at him innocently, and pouting about the fact that you don’t get to suck it as much as you’d like. Pouting is perhaps the most important part of fellatio.

6. Do More Than Just Suck It
Lick it. Kiss it. Nuzzle it. Talk to it. Run your lips up and down the shaft like you’re prying meat from a stubborn spare rib. Flick your tongue on his oft-neglected corona, meatus, and frenulum. Engage in mild scrotal worship. Orally stimulate his perineum and anus in ways that don’t force him to question his sexuality.

7. Swallow
Imagine how hurt, offended, and dejected you’d feel if your man, while paying oral attention to your nasty bits, was to suddenly go “P-tooey!” and spit out your so-called “precious” vaginal fluids in disgust. You wouldn’t like it, would you? You’d cry, wouldn’t you? Of course you would—you cry about everything. Yet there are still women who act as if they have a choice in whether to spit or swallow. It’s très simple—to spit is to reject him. To swallow his thick, creamy New England Clam Chowder is to accept him. It is the ultimate sign of love and respect for a man when you allow him to spray his man-sauce in you and on you however he pleases. Besides, his semen is low in calories while plumb burstin’ with vitamins, minerals, and protein. So don’t be hollow—swallow. Don’t be shallow—swallow.

8. Tell Him How Much You Enjoyed Doing It
It’s a verified medical fact that all women find fellatio intensely pleasurable. There is not a woman alive who can control her vagina from vigorously lubricating while she has a man’s penis inside her mouth. Some women are even able to achieve orgasm while blowing her beloved. Any woman who claims she doesn’t enjoy doing it is simply one who has a deep-seated hatred of men and is desperately fearful of commitment and allowing herself to be swooningly swept up in her man’s overpowering biceps. She enjoys fellatio, all right—she simply doesn’t enjoy what enjoying it implies. But you are not like these shrieking she-beasts, are you? No—you are a normal woman who is secure enough to admit to herself that there is nothing on God’s Green Earth more fun that bobbing up and down on Big Daddy’s knob. But don’t be selfish, honey—share that information with him. He needs to know it, lest he go a-roamin’. He might go a-roamin’ anyway, but at least you did your best.

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Fellatio Fun Facts

Weird, Wacky, and Wild Cases of Cocksucking Throughout History and Across the Globe

• Fellatio has been depicted in ancient artwork dating back to prehistoric cave paintings.

• According to Egyptian myth, the goddess Iris “blew” life into a clay penis by sucking on it.

• Cleopatra was once said to have blown dozens of soldiers in a single night. Other famous noblewomen allegedly adept at fellatio were Russia’s Catherine the Great and America’s own Nancy Reagan.

• Ancient Greeks referred to fellatio as “playing the flute.”

• The Kama Sutra (circa 100 A.D.) features an entire chapter of fellatio techniques, including “The Butterfly Lick” and “Sucking the Mango Fruit.”

• Declaring fellatio to be “the worst of all evils,” Theodore the Archibishop of Canterbury in 670 A.D. prescribed a lengthier punishment for sucking a cock than for murdering someone.

• A Japanese woman named Kaho claims that she’s able to tell a man’s fortune by sucking his penis. “It depends, I suppose, on what the member feels like when I first put it in my mouth, what shape it takes when it gets hard, the color and what it tastes like when (the client’s) finished,” says Kaho, who claims to have “told” over 1,000 such “fortunes” in a single year. “I take all these things into account, then read the fortune.”

• Fellatio is nearly unheard of in Eskimo culture. Fuck, they don’t even use their mouths to kiss.

• According to one estimate, fellatio is still illegal in more tha

Jim Goad’s Personal Website. Publisher of ANSWER Me!, author of The Redneck Manifesto, Shit Magnet, and My Muscular Ass.

Source: JIM GOAD